It has been 18 months since being put on medication for postpartum depression. I started on December 21, 2017. I still remember sitting in my OBGYN’s office on the couch with my husband talking to my wonderful nurse. I remember her saying that if I wasn’t feeling better that I would go back to the hospital and not to worry because Ewan would be taken care of or he could go with me (or something to that effect). I had such a fear that I would be hospitalized, but honestly thought it would be nice to get away from Ewan and all the responsibility that came with a newborn. He was 17 days old and I had not bonded with him one bit.
That night I had my first dose of the medication. At a follow up appointment with another wonderful nurse she decided to up my dosage. (We will call this dosage A, I don’t want to say my exact dosage and medication because it’s different for everybody.) By the time one of my best friends, her son, and Mom came to visit on January 5th I was feeling a little better. By February 12th, when I went back to work, the fog at lifted. After starting to work out in April, I finally felt more than normal, I felt happy. Of course, throughout all of this, I had been going to therapy. At first it was every week, then every other week, then once a month, and now I am on an as needed basis. We worked on things like eating, sleeping, kissing Ewan and telling him, “I love you,” and those pesky “should statements.” I still work through those should statements and I’m so thankful I have the tools to do so.
You know those love story signs that have dates for the first date, first kiss, she said “Yes” and “We said I Do?” Well, I am going to make one for my dosage story! Kidding….I think.
I stayed on dosage A for a year before my psychiatrist asked if I wanted to start weaning off it. I was dead set on not doing so until then. So, I went from dosage A to dosage B. It took a couple weeks, but things started to even out and I was still feeling great! At my next appointment my psychiatrist asked if I wanted to consider weaning down some more. “Yes! Let’s do this!” At this point, I wasn’t ashamed of taking medication for PPD, but I hated having to remember to take it and I was pretty sure it was holding me back from losing all my baby weight.
Well, this time a couple weeks went by and I noticed I was still getting irritated easily. I especially noticed it in my teaching. My psychiatrist (I should probably learn how to spell that word, thanks autocorrect!) said if I was feeling bad that I could split the difference of dosage A and B. I start that on April 19th, but because I had my medication in at least three spots, so I can remember to take it, I didn’t always have the right dosage pill to make the new dosage, so I went back to dosage B.
After the ups and downs of medication dosages, I decided to go in for a “maintenance” therapy session. I was feeling guilty for going because I wasn’t in a dark place, but my therapist assured me that there was always space for me. It’s good to be proactive!
I definitely feel like I’m on the mend. I started working out consistently again and I know that has helped. Working out can’t take the place of my medicine, but it always gets me over the hump from feeling normal (thanks to my medication) to feeling happy. To be honest, going back up on my medication has felt like a punch in the gut. I have always said that if I needed to be on medication for the rest of my life that I would be OK with it, but having your eyes on the prize and then getting set back, stings. It would be nice to not have to take medication, mostly because it’s hard for me to remember (Mom brain is real, y’all!), and I’m 99% certain that I’m not able to drop all the baby weight because of the medication. I most definitely felt myself “deflate” a little on dosage B and “inflate” on dosage A. However, after starting intermittent fasting (14:10) and working out again, I have felt a difference with the combo of those two things, even though the scale has not budged.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, you must take care of yourself first.
I want to reiterate that there is no shame in taking medication and/or needing therapy for any perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. Society teaches us differently, but taking medication for a mental health disease is no different than taking insulin for diabetes. You can’t pour from an empty cup, you must take care of yourself first. And no, that is not selfish. Not one bit.
You are doing great, mama. If you are feeling like you just can’t do it anymore, please, reach out for help. If you feel overwhelmed and need to talk to someone. Please, reach out. Have HOPE, because it does get better. You can do this, you are doing it.
With hope and healing,
Brittany
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
2 Chronicles 20:17 (NIV)
Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773 (Non Emergencies)
Postpartum Support International Support Coordinators
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Pregnancy & Postpartum Mental Health Symptoms (from Postpartum Support International)
My Beloved 
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