Ewan turned two on December 10th! On one hand I can believe it and on the other I’m completely shocked that I have a two year old! Have you ever seen that meme that says, “That horrifying moment when you’re looking around for an adult. So you look for an older adult, someone successfully adulting…an adultier adult.” That’s how I feel about being the mama to a two year old. There are some really challenging moments, but I just want to squeeze him until he won’t let me anymore.
Mood
All in all, I am doing great! In my 18 Month Update I wrote that I tried to wean down a second time on my medication, but I didn’t feel like it was working and went back to the dose I was taking before I weaned down a second time. After scheduling a therapy session I felt like I was on the mend and now I feel just as great as I did before all the weaning down mess.
I am still on medication and I don’t feel like I want to try to wean down again anytime soon, I’m simply not ready. The thing about depression, or at least in what I have experienced, is that it can creep in so gradually that you don’t notice it unless you are taking inventory of your mood. Also, there is nobody but myself that can say I’m on the right dosage for me. For the moment, I’m doing well and honestly, I don’t want to mess with it.
This is not all to say that I haven’t had some hard days. This past weekend was hard as the end of the semester winds down and the things to do at home starts piling up. Add to that a very active toddler boy at home who throws just about anything. It makes for a challenging part of the year for anybody! The important thing is that my husband understands more now than when Ewan was born when I am facing some mental challenges and knows to give me some space to “get away” so I can do what I need to to feel better.
More Kids?
Yes, Beau and I would like to add to our family! Once we decided on when to start trying again I had so many thoughts running through my head, especially at night while I was falling asleep. I was reliving when Ewan was born and weeks that followed. If you have read my postpartum depression story, you know that my change in mood was pretty instant and I had pretty severe postpartum depression. I was reliving how I didn’t know when Ewan was hungry, the struggle with breastfeeding, the struggle with finding the right formula, and brand of bottle. Looking back, I think Ewan was probably colicky. If he wasn’t sleeping or eating he was crying. I thought about the endless nights pacing his room at night trying to get him to go back to sleep after a feeding. I thought about how long it would take him to finish a bottle (due to his upper lip tie) and get back to sleep, just to wake up less than an hour later. Those feelings of not knowing what to do and feeling absolutely hopeless kept replaying in my head.
So, I scheduled an appointment with my therapist. Before I went I wrote out a list of thoughts I was having and we went through them point by point . I felt so much better. I knew that deciding to expand our family when we are planning to is the right decision, but when you have been through the “trauma” of postpartum depression (and are still on medication) it can be easy to think it’s a dumb, selfish idea. The biggest things I got from that session were:
- I have my professional mental health team already in place. As soon as I am pregnant, I’ll go back to visiting my psychiatrist to make sure my medication is correct. If needed, I will go back to therapy, either regularly or on an as needed basis. In addition, my OB/GYN, nurse, and Ewan’s pediatrician know my history with PPD. They will know to keep a watchful eye on me as well.
- My professional mental health team will be there from the start. This was HUGE for me. My therapist will be checking in with me. I won’t have to go through a couple weeks of feeling just awful before my healing can begin. I will have the ability to call or video chat with my therapist from the hospital if I need to! How amazing is that!
- This time can be better! Since I do plan to stay on medication throughout out my future pregnancy, there is a very good chance that I will not get as bad as I did or even bad at all this next time through!
- I will establish a relationship with a lactation consultant before giving birth. I do want to try to breastfeed again. Hopefully with a different mindset it will work out, but I know that I need to be flexible and switch or supplement with formula if needed. (Truth be told, I’m already excited about purchasing the newer model of the Baby Brezza!)
- I know to get as much rest as possible before giving birth. Sleep was a huge factor is my recovery. Once that starts to dwindle too much my mental state suffers. Yes, I know the sleep deprivation is real with a newborn, but I now know how we can structure things at home to get the most rest I can.
Once again, I want to thank all of our family members, church family, friends, doctors, therapists, and co-workers that have gotten our family to this point! We have been supported spiritually, financially, and with their time. It really does take a village!!
I never want to leave a blog post without saying this: You are doing great, mama. If you are feeling like you just can’t do it anymore, please, reach out for help. If you feel overwhelmed and need to talk to someone. Please, reach out. Have HOPE, because there is HEALING!
In hope and healing,
Brittany
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
2 Chronicles 20:17 (NIV)
Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773 (Non Emergencies)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Postpartum Support International Support Coordinators
Pregnancy & Postpartum Mental Health Symptoms (from Postpartum Support International)
My Beloved 