I’m tired of being disappointed. 11 times I’ve hoped to see two pink lines only to see one. I’ve prayed and begged and begged some more. I’m growing weary, and if I’m honest, at times I want to give up. The mind games going through my head can become overwhelming. Trying to make sure we time “it” out perfectly and the “what ifs” swirling in my head about the possible mistakes in timing or diet, or being anxious about the workout program I’m currently doing is mentally exhausting. I’m tired of reading into “symptoms” during the two week wait and desperately trying to remember and compare what I’m feeling to my pregnancy with Ewan. Then, add on the guilt of we have “only” tried for 11 cycles and so many others have tried longer. Do I even have the right to be disappointed? After all, we do have Ewan.
After a while of trying my husband and I had a “family planning” visit with my OB/GYN. She explained what testing we could do and answered any questions we had. We decided on two tests. The first set of results came back normal with one concern about a level that was on the low side, but was still within the normal range. The second set of results was not so good and we were referred to a fertility clinic.
Some might say, “At least you have Ewan, he is enough.” Absolutely, he is enough! But friend, “at least” statements make me (and anyone else for that matter) feel guilty for being sad and disappointed. I long for Ewan to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m jealous of myself when I see pictures of my pregnancy with Ewan. We bought an amazing van with kid friendly automatic sliding doors and so much room knowing that we would be growing our family soon. Now I just feel stupid for having it with only one kid.
Because I went through severe postpartum depression after having Ewan, it took a while to get to the point of wanting to start trying for another baby. I typically only think about Ewan’s baby stage from the time I started to feel better. Once we decided on when to start trying again I had so many thoughts running through my head, especially at night while I was falling asleep. I was reliving when Ewan was born and weeks that followed. I went to a therapy session to talk through my anxieties about going through the postpartum phase again. So now, the thought that I didn’t get to enjoy Ewan when he was a newborn because of severe postpartum depression and I may not get the opportunity to do it again devastates me.
I know God has a plan. I know, I know, I know. I wish I could say that makes me feel better, but right now it doesn’t. And that’s ok. I often tell God I don’t even know what to pray for anymore. It’s through these struggles that I become more reliant on Him. I don’t feel He is asking us to stop trying, but at the same time it seems that He is asking us to wait. Maybe he is teaching me to be content in the blessings that I do have. So for now I am enjoying our little miracle boy a little more and pray that God makes a way for us to expand our family.
I’ll end with some wisdom I received and a scripture shared with me from two very close mommy friends:
“Not seeing those two pink lines is something that you are absolutely justified to feel upset about. You’re doing everything you can, and even though you have fierce faith in God and His timing, it’s still so devastating when it doesn’t happen. You are enough. You aren’t broken. It’s reasonable to be sad.”
“Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”
James 1:2-4
In hope and healing,
Brittany
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
2 Chronicles 20:17 (NIV)
Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773 (Non Emergencies)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Postpartum Support International Support Coordinators
Pregnancy & Postpartum Mental Health Symptoms (from Postpartum Support International)
My Beloved 
Dear Brittany, my heart hears your disappointment. I believe you. This sounds so painful. I’m imagining this picture that you recently posted, where you’re praying in your van. I’m so sorry you’re only seeing one pink line when your heart and soul are so longing to see two. This makes so much sense why you’re feeling weary. It sounds like, to me you’re trying so faithfully and persistently. I hear your heart and it’s longing for a sibling for Ewan growing up. In the van you bought, I see your tender and real faith. I so reverence your selflessness and willingness to maybe go through this postpartum depression again in order to bring this sibling into your home. Your courage and faith to sit in this wanting and desiring, while still counting your blessings is such an example of strength to me. Thank you so much for the hope and healing you send out to us, even when you are needing it. I know that our Father in Heaven is aware of you.
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Thank you so much Justine! Those words are so beautiful. We had an appointment at a fertility clinic and I in fact did pray in my van!!
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