Why Doesn’t He Listen? 16 Months of TTC Baby #2

I was driving to work one day and the song Rescue me by Lauren Daigle comes on the radio. The tears come rolling down my face.

I can’t help but think I am doing something wrong. Am I working out too hard? Should I cut out all caffeine? I only drink one cup of coffee a day. What about the medicine I got on about the time we started TTC. What about the medicine my husband is on? Our fertility doctor didn’t say anything about it, but maybe he doesn’t know. (And how ridiculous to think the fertility doctor doesn’t know about what medication would affect fertility.)

Sometimes I think I am messing with “fate” (for lack of a better word) by going through all the testing and a possible fertility treatment. How do you have faith that God will make a way, but also accept that it may not be his will? It’s so hard to pray that God take away the desire to have another baby if that is what he wants. But the desire hasn’t gone away, it just gets stronger every month we don’t conceive.

As I was thinking back to when our son was born I remembered the day before the “cloud lifted” while going through postpartum depression. I don’t specifically remember what went on that day, but it ended in me calling my husband to come home early because I was literally at the end of my rope. In the most literal sense of these words: I could not do it anymore. When my husband came home I laid down to get sleep before I took over the nightmare of the night shift. The only way I can describe the difference between that day and the next was the fog had lifted. I had felt like I was in the twilight zone before, a zombie going through the motions with no way out or of it getting better. But the next day I could enjoy life and my son more.

Maybe that is how this fertility thing is going to go. Maybe I’ll reach my lowest and just then, God is going to sweep in and give us our miracle. It gets harder and harder each month we don’t conceive on our own.

And then I had a chemical pregnancy. What a gut wrenching experience. We found out I was pregnant after 16 months of trying just to lose the pregnancy a couple days later. I had already taken out my book, “Praying Through Your Pregnancy” and started reading the prayer for Week 3. People can say what they want about chemical pregnancies, but it is an early miscarriage, and it matters. The hardest part was during my period….even though the pregnancy didn’t last for very long it was a different kind of period. I cramped more and was more heavy than usual. It was so hard to know that my body was eliminating what was once a pregnancy.

I fear this journey is stealing the joy away from raising my son. I’m so angry at God because it feels like he doesn’t listen. I’m so frustrated with myself that I can’t seem to stay consistent with any of my prayer life. I don’t even know what to pray for anymore. Heal me? Heal my husband? Take this desire for another child away? Lord, just tell me what to do! I thought I got a word from you that said we would have another child. I vividly remember as I sat in my van (You know, the one I got because we were going to grow out family?) praying before our first fertility appointment when that thought came into my mind. I thought it was the Holy Spirit, but now I don’t know. It’s funny how I can be so hopeful one day, then feel utterly defeated the next.

So what next? We keep going. I keep spilling my guts out to God. I keep being honest with my hurt and feelings. I keep seeking him. Practically, I have scheduled an appointment with a certified FertilityCare practitioner that uses the Creighton Model FertilityCare™ System and NaProTECHNOLOGY™. I am very excited to see what more we can do to grow our family naturally.

In hope and healing,
Brittany

You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.

2 Chronicles 20:17 (NIV)


Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773 (Non Emergencies)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Postpartum Support International Support Coordinators

Postpartum Progress

PostpartumDepression.org

Pregnancy & Postpartum Mental Health Symptoms (from Postpartum Support International)

FertilityCare Centers of America