A Letter to Myself

Dear Brittany,

You did it! You made it through another pregnancy when you swore you wouldn’t have another baby. You did your best to take care of your mental and physical health. It wasn’t easy. That first trimester was a doozy with exhaustion and nausea. The third trimester wasn’t too much better, but you made it and had a beautiful baby girl. Now, there are some things I want you to remember…

It’s OK if breastfeeding didn’t work out. You are not a failure. I know you wanted it to happen more than anything and you fought so hard. There were so many lactation, chiropractor, and pediatric dentist visits. Eilidh had an upper lip tie, tongue tie, and cheek buccal releases done. You pumped around the clock for 6 weeks while trying to make breastfeeding work. Those first couple of days worked out so great, but in the end her ties were just too much. Then, postpartum depression and anxiety reared its ugly head again. You didn’t fall short and you most certainly didn’t give up. Trouble breastfeeding is a major stressor that contributes to PPD. Your baby girl is fed and loved. She is OK.

It’s OK to stop pumping. I know you don’t have any problems with formula feeding, but I also know it hurts so much to watch milk flow from your breasts knowing it will stop. When you feel better and she is eating better, you will want to start again, but it’s OK not to. You are not any less of a mother because you stopped your milk. It will be hard. You will get headaches, mastitis that won’t go away, engorged, and leak…a lot. It will linger on for longer than you want it to making the decision to stop even harder. It will pass and you will be OK.

It’s OK if you choose formula, even during a shortage. Good for you for doing what is best for you and your baby, even though I know it can be such a hard decision. There will be a grieving period, but that’s OK. Give yourself the space to feel that pain. It’s an important part of the healing process and it will take some time. It will be OK.

It’s OK if you make a bottle and your baby isn’t hungry or doesn’t drink all of it. It’s OK to put them down for a nap or bed and they don’t want to sleep, or sleep longer than they “should.” There is no set rule book. Give yourself grace. You are both figuring it out together and that’s OK.

It’s OK to struggle with taking a long maternity leave. Taking care of a newborn is one of the hardest things you will do in life and it can be incredibly isolating. You don’t love that baby any less than a mother who loved maternity leave. God puts different desires in every mother’s heart. You will never regret spending this time at home with that sweet baby girl just like you will never regret going back to work sooner with your son. It’s OK to love the work you do and want to go back to it.

It’s OK to put your baby in daycare during maternity leave. You have physical and mental healing to do yourself. Not everyone understands the toll pregnancy takes on a body or the physical trauma your body goes through during child birth. And most certainly, many people don’t understand maternal mental health and perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. I’m proud that you asked for help. It’s ok to take some time for you to heal.

It’s OK to lean on your Mom tribe. They have listened to every worry and concern you have had without judgement and they will continue to listen. They have been with you from the beginning and they are not going anywhere. Be there for them as well.

You will figure out how best to feed your baby, what bottle, size nipples, and formula to use. Schedules, naps, bed times? Yup, you will figure that out, too. It might not happen overnight. It will probably be a gradual thing and might require the help of daycare or others, but one day soon you will think, “we’re doing it!”

You will get past the newborn days. It’s OK to not like them very much…or at all. It’s hard! You are still a good mother.

You will get through this. Let me say that again. You. Will. Get. Through. This. Whatever it is that is stressing you out, you will move past it. You will settle into your new normal. You will sleep again. You will find joy again. You will be able to go out without stressing about naps and feeds. You won’t feel out of control forever. I know you want to go back and redo the newborn days knowing that it turns out fine in the end, but you did a great job. You are doing a great job.

You are not a failure. You are not making mistakes. You are both figuring it out together. It’s ok. You are ok and everything is going to be alright.

With hope and healing,